A Life of Shadows
by Fading wind
Summary: Roy Mustang thinks about his life and the shadows he has lived among. RoyEd, with some HughesRoy and Royai. Written for the fullservicefma comm on LJ.


Title: A Life of Shadows  
Pairings: RoyEd, some HughesRoy and Royai  
Summary: Roy Mustang thinks about his life and the shadows he has lived among.  
Spoilers: For movie, and ep. 25.  
Warnings: Implied m/m sex. Language in one place.  
Notes: Written for the prompt 'Shadows' of the May fanfiction contest in fullservicefma comm on LJ.  
Word Count: 1151  
Disclaimer: FMA belongs to Hiromu Arakawa.

**A Life of Shadows**

Living alone in the North, isolated from the outer world, Roy Mustang is given time to think and reflect over himself and his past.

He thinks he has become a shadow, just like everyone else he has known, and knows.

Maes Hughes had been a shadow. He was, perhaps, less of a shadow than most, with his cheerful enthusiasm and loud chatter, but Maes had always been a good actor. Everyone knew Maes as the 'family man', and they tried their best to avoid him, as they did not want to be cornered and shown the latest photographs of his wife and daughter. Yet no one could deny that Maes poured sunshine over their lives, and filled the quiet offices, save for the scratching of pens, with laughter. In that way, Maes was no shadow. But Roy, being Maes's best friend, was one of the few people who got to see Maes's other side. The darker side. The shadow.

Roy remembers nights of weakness. Nights when he and Maes had tried to glimpse into the future, and saw nothing but barren land. Maes, as always, had tried to cover up his weakness with pretence. He blabbed on about his 'beautiful future', but he never realized that in doing so, he only exposed a deeper weakness to Roy. Roy had been tired of listening to him go on about _his _future, that future which consisted of a pretty woman and a pretty child, and suddenly, Roy's own weakness leaked out.

And then Roy can only remember dazzling heat and hazy desires. And bodies clashing together, in an attempt to hold on forever. When it was all over, Roy was left with nothing but a small burning flame, and his own flickering shadow on the wall. Only him. Maes's beautiful future was still Maes's, and Roy could see no future for himself. He wished and wished to share a future with Maes, but wishing remained wishing, and nothing ever came of it.

Sometimes he still wonders whether Maes had been satisfied with his beautiful future.

Riza Hawkeye is a shadow. She is one of those who willingly conceal themselves and let other people see them as shadows, and put up no act, unlike Hughes. She is one of the strongest women Roy has ever known, and sometimes Roy thinks that he doesn't deserve her. From the moment she set eyes on him, she has dedicated herself to protecting him, and sworn to follow him. Roy wonders to what extent she will go for him, but it is frightening to imagine the ends of the earth, and he wonders whether Hawkeye faces the same fear. If she does, she shows nothing of it, and her face is only a symbol of determination and strength.

As one of the best snipers in the Ishbal War, she has gone by pretty much unnoticed except for the small promotion in rank. She is really a shadow. It was only the State Alchemists who got all the credit and fame, and their names printed all over the news. Roy's lips curl up into a smile when he thinks of how his name would never have been in the headlines if not for Hawkeye. How many times, he wonders, has Hawkeye saved him from the grasp of death by sending another person into it?

Riza is such a shadow that Roy has never so much as touched her, because shadows are untouchable. Roy must admit that he has tried, more than once, to make her belong to him, but each time she slips through his fingers. It is only after he no longer reaches for her so desperately that he sees the look in her eyes that is only reserved for him, and he realizes that he cannot claim her, because she is _already _his, as much as a shadow can ever be someone else's property. He realizes that love is not for him and Riza Hawkeye. Riza is devoted to him, and has given everything, even her own life, to him, but she does not wish to love him, or at least, she denies it. Roy thinks that is because love, to Riza Hawkeye, is a weakness.

Soldiers, especially excellent ones like Hawkeye, cannot ever be allowed weaknesses.

Edward Elric had been anything but a shadow. Being the young child and famous alchemist he was, Edward Elric was much, much more than a shadow. The way he strode into the office, slamming doors so that they nearly fell of the hinges as if the place belonged to him; the way he bickered with his superior officer boisterously without respect; the way he went about the country almost destroying everything that he came across; and eventually, the way he screamed and begged and lost his dignity whenever Roy made love with him.

'Made love'. Roy chuckles softly when he hears the two words echo in his mind. Since when has he become such a sentimental creature? As his bitter laughter fills up the hut, it seems colder than ever. Roy shivers, and he can hear Edward's harsh voice saying, "Fuck me." Roy freezes, out of both shock and the huge drop in temperature. He recovers in a few seconds, but his throat is still dry from reality.

No, they had never 'made love'. He recalls the first night they had spent together, and the last words Edward had uttered before he fell asleep: "Don't you dare think I'm in love with you, bastard, because I'm not."

_You may not be, but I am._

Roy's thought hits him with much impact. He shakes his head sadly. He really has turned into a sentimental creature. Maybe old age is getting to him at last. Roy feels the urge to laugh, but he does not. He stands up and walks over to the kettle and pours himself some water.

Sipping it, he recalls mornings with the blond in his apartment, and he drowns himself in these nostalgic thoughts.

Even Edward Elric, the great Fullmetal Alchemist, has faded into a shadow now. Two years after his disappearance, the Alchemist of the People is long forgotten. Only those who had been very close to him remember him, and believe he is still alive. Roy knows for sure that he is, because Edward Elric does not die easily. He has never seen someone who struggles so passionately to stay alive.

Roy wonders if anyone still remembers him. Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist, one of the Heroes of the Ishbal War. It's been two years since he has moved to this desolate post in the North. He is indifferent, however, to this thought that he truly _has _become a shadow. He supposes he does not mind, because everyone he has loved and loves is a shadow.

Roy Mustang puts down the empty cup and heads to bed. When he goes to sleep, he dreams of shadows.

**The End**

**A/N: **I truly have no idea what the heck I'm talking about in this fic... This is the first time I've ever joined a contest, and I honestly don't think this fic is that good, but it's the only thing I can come up with, and I've spent the whole month brooding over it. Please read & review!


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